Listening to an oracle foretell how I'll spend the rest of my life would be a terrifying, existential history lesson. Sometimes it feels as if I'm trapped inside a body that makes all of my decisions for me. This body takes me along, as I'm kicking and screaming internally. Other days it feels as if I reign supreme, bound by no one, especially myself. When I look back on the path I've taken, I wonder if I've been following my dream too closely. Sometimes in those reflections, I feel ashamed. I'm ashamed of my love for videogames, and I wish I had a love for something like architecture instead—something productive. I wish that my blood wasn't so hot, or to have nothing to prove to the world. I wish that my creativity wasn't so frivolous and off-the-wall.
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I am who God made me, what my parent's internalized, and what I've reinforced. The past has set sail, and with it, the grass that always seemed greener. Put frankly, I know now that I love videogames in a way that I don't feel most people do. They have a potential that other mediums don't, yet in all my time as a player, I've rarely seen the potential realized, and I know in my heart, that cannot go on any longer so long as I have a means to interject. I think it is this core desire that will destine me to be a starving artist whose execution never lives up to his dreams. My desire to be heard may never be fulfilled as I say things not often spoken through what isn't just words. Yes, I bet an oracle would shake his or her head in pity at me by the merits of my future stress, and Prometheus boulder-rolling.
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I've fallen on my ass more times than I care to admit, but God has always been there to pick me up and remind me that my story doesn't end down there. In my life, I will use videogames to spread wisdom, knowledge, and perspective using the interactive, the surreal, the logical. Along the way, I will search high and low for games that dare to be high art. I will look for games made by those who reject power fantasies in favor of experiences. Then, if I find the time, I'll vomit my raw reactions to the world, so that maybe they can get a feel for how meaningful I find all of this. I hope you will join me for that, the vomiting, and I hope you do so with the same open-minded civil attitude all well-meaning people deserve.
